Down the Crapper


Holy cr@p, our water bill is thirty percent higher than usual! The meter lady rang the doorbell to make sure it wasn’t a mistake. Gotta love that Japanese customer service, above and beyond as usual, a lowly meter lady taking the initiative and doing some customer service. Think I might call the waterworks and tell them they’ve got a gem there who deserves a raise.

Of course I know why the water is so much more expensive. It’s literally gone down the toilet.

If you’ve never visited Japan, you may not know that this is the land of the luxury toilet. Heated seats, bidets, and fanny dryers are totally the norm here. You push a button on the panel beside the potty (though some come with a remote control), and a nozzle shoots out from the toilet’s nether regions there in the back, and delivers a cleansing spray that is, of course, fully adjustable in temperature, location, and intensity. Many flush automatically.

Um, well, we don’t have that kind of potty. Ours it the regular old sit and sh!t type. It is however, a bit different from the ones at home. Here toilets come equipped with a “big” flush and the “little” flush so you can adjust how much force you flush with. (I think the “little” flush is just for men, though, since it doesn’t push the paper down.) Fancy toilets, of course, have a button that does this. For older “analog” models, like what we have, you pull the flush handle up for “big” and back for “little.”

Our commode, apparently, is ready to retire. Her handle has lost it’s youthful firmness and has trouble finding the neutral position. It should fall back to that position after having been yanked in either direction to flush, but our Old Miss just can’t seem to break away from her work. If you don’t gently place the handle in the right position, the water runs continuously. What’s more, the “rest” position seems to be a little different every day. Fair enough, I guess, since Mrs. Pot has been jerked around for years. Children, husband, and visitors are unobservant of The Lady’s needs, so the water has been running a lot.

Thus the crazy water bill and the fantastic customer service.

I suppose it is time to lay The Euphemism to rest and invest in a new, fancier number. Somehow, though, that feels like betraying an old friend.


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