No eighties childhood was complete without one of these babies.
Of course, like most overly-hyped advertised toys, this thing wasn’t as fun in real life as it was during a “message from our sponsor.” I distinctly remember an afternoon of slipping and sliding tended to end with bruising and crying.
My sister doesn’t seem to remember it that way, and she bought one of these bad boys to use at my Mom’s house while we were there.
Of course we didn’t read the directions or we would have noticed that this is yet another toy that is actually dangerous for adults to use. We figured it out soon enough, though, when she threw her shoulder and I swear I sprained a boob.
HRH had been mildly obsessed with the whole slip-n-slide fantasy for several weeks leading up to the big trip, though his version was more DIY and involved dish soap and tarp. As do most male fantasies, I’m sure.
So in a way it was probably a good thing Sis bought an actual safety tested product. I’m sure it saved us a trip to the emergency room. Or two.
The trouble was, though, that HRH kept hassling the children about the slip-n-slide. They’d already had it for three weeks by the time he arrived, and they were sooo over it. We’d all taken to calling it the Slip-n-Bruise. They were no longer excited about it, having as they did several battle scars each to attest to the innate unfunness of this particular “toy.”
On our last evening in the states, despite the fact that it was barely seventy degrees outside and that I’d already washed and f***ing packed the bathing suits, HRH starts harassing the children to give the ole plastic one last go.
This created a serious conundrum for Me First, since the harassment started right when Wild Kratts, a show he had been waiting for all day, was set to begin.
Let me back-up a sec, though. Wild Kratts is this PBS Kids show about brothers, the Kratts I presume, who save animals. And something about fancy suits and discs and shit. H.E.A.V.E.N for an animal loving little man like Me First.
HRH argued with him that he could just buy it on iTunes any time but could only Slip-n-Bruise that day. This argument was flawed, however, since that day’s episode was brand new and PBS takes 4 evah to release that stuff. Me First had no idea how to explain that, though, and HRH didn’t have his listening ears on. I think he must have lost those back when he was twelve or something and never bothered to get new ones. Like how everyone does with a retainer.
I have no problem with the Wild Kratts. It comes on right when I am trying to fix dinner, has no naked boobies or blatant devil worshipping so it’s a-ok as far I’m concerned. Plus as I mentioned it was really not warm enough to be slipping and bruising in cold hose water anyway.
It turned into is big fiasco with HRH calling Brother stupid and yadda yadda. I considered calling the police, but I’m not sure verbal abuse is an actual crime. Though the thought of HRH in the back of a cruiser Cops style does make me laugh. Would teach him a thing or two about boundaries and not messing with me or my kids.
Whatcha gonna do when they come for yoooouuuu???