The thing about grief is that it’s just so unpredictable. I mean, the big things like birthdays and death days you can prepare yourself for, but the little things? Those are the ones that barrel you over like a steamroller in a Road Runner cartoon. And then just like Wile E. Coyote, you have to find some way to pick yourself up, re-inflate, and go about your day as an all-important cog in the economic wheels of capitalism.

Christmas season starting the first day of November in Japan doesn’t help any. I mean can I not at least get some turkey and be fattened up for the kill first?

Dad’s birthday is in November. I was gonna get him a Kindle that year. What do you get for the man who doesn’t want anything, right?

Why the fuck was I waiting for “special day?” Why didn’t I realize that all the days were special? He would have liked that. And I’m a stupid, stupid daughter to have not done that.

The double whammy is killing me. Sitting in a coffee shop listening to shitty Christmas music, questioning everything.


5 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. J's mom
    Nov 09, 2012 @ 12:35:15

    Please don’t beat yourself up over it! I am sure he knew that you loved him, and a kindle wouldn’t have made a bit of difference. But it is okay to have a bad day, too! Have some chocolate and cry.


  2. Nay
    Nov 09, 2012 @ 13:59:31

    Sending lots of hugs your way… days like today will happen but as J’s mom said having a treat, cry if you want and focus on the good memories.


  3. camsgranny
    Nov 10, 2012 @ 09:08:54

    Sending hugs, and thoughts to you. It is a hard thing to go through, and yes, you will have bad days, but I agree with what J’s Mom said.


  4. gaijinwife
    Nov 10, 2012 @ 17:37:34

    Bad days are bollocks. Had one the other day. One year next Friday. They knew. I hope. Our parents – that we loved them. Your Dad knew. I wanted to buy mum a kindle when she was sick but got shot down by the sisters and brother. I should have just done it though. Even if it only meant she could read big font books for a week before she got to that stage where you don’t do that anymore.

    Big hugs to you.



  5. Margeee
    Nov 12, 2012 @ 07:37:17

    You know he would say don’t cry over spilt milk. But then he was a man and we girls always cry over spilt milk at least for a little while. I knew you were thinking of him on that day, and I was thinking of you.
    Love you


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