Tens

Me First had his tenth birthday a few days ago. It was bittersweet for me. We’ve survived each other for ten years! I won’t sugarcoat it. I couldn’t if I wanted to; it’s not who I am.

Every single day has been hard. Because he’s a handful; because I don’t know what I’m doing. My husband and I see him, and therefore treat him, completely differently. His coming completely wrecked my sense of who I am, who my husband is, in a way that is irreparable.

But that’s okay.

For a long time, I took all of Me First’s faults and imperfections personally. It was all my fault. Conversely, any good aspects were all to be credited to me.

Then Me Too was born. She was completely different from the get-go, with a new and different set of good and bad points, that I realized had nothing to do with me.

I stopped feeling so guilty. I stopped trying so hard. And somewhere along the way, the things that had seemed like problems that needed fixing weren’t bad things anymore. They were just…differences. Some make life hard. Some make it glorious.

I have a lot of regrets when it comes to my oldest. I feel I’ve been a better parent to my younger child.

Maybe that is why my love for him is fierce, protective, prickly. Whether that is good or messed up, I’m not sure.

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. kireikireikirei
    Jan 21, 2015 @ 10:20:25

    Congratulations! You seem like a good mama. I personally believe each kid has their own personality, and it really can’t be changed by parenting.

    Reply

  2. gaijinwife
    Jan 23, 2015 @ 08:59:25

    Happy Birthday Me First – and congratulations to getting to this day relatively unscathed (??) xx

    Reply

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